Today's game is Barbie Game Girl, for the Nintendo Game Boy (clever eh?)
Right away you're given a hideous picture of Barbie, although in hindsight this is probably the best looking shot of her in the entire game. She's got a horribly fake smile and no nose.
|From the new Extraterrestrial Barbie line.|
Also it looks like all of her hair is trying to escape her head. I want off of this screen immediately.
Some credits try to start due to my 3 seconds of inactivity but the very first thing I see is this redundant bullshit:
|Barbie™ Game™ Girl™ you™ say™?|
So anyway, as you can see she--
Seriously. Someone tell me what the hell that thing is. He explodes into a star when I kill him with marbles and I collect it because, you know, it's a star. It doesn't seem to do anything but no doubt my mighty High Score is climbing rapidly.
Then I fall into some bottomless pit. It would help if Barbie didn't jump like a monster truck, but I'm sure her 90lbs of hair are throwing off her balance.
|What kind of shitty ass mall is this?|
I'm braving my way through lava waterfalls and shit when I see this sweet ass lightning bolt.
After touching it, Barbie transforms, intoooooooo
The music kicks up to such an intensity it's clear it thinks I should be absolutely ecstatic. "Oh shit, you got the Tennis with the Family outfit?" it implies. "Game over. You won. That's practically hacks."
But this doesn't seem to do anything. I jump a little different, but it just changes the animation, it's still slow and crappy. And it runs out after like 5 seconds anyway. Then it's back to crappy Skirt n' Boots Barbie™. A few steps and the level is over, with Barbie apparently deciding one "SHOES" store is better than all the rest, and going inside. Then of course they show you this again.
|Skeleton Horror Barbie™. On sale now.|
Then it's bonus game time! This is a simple memory game, with the flipping over cards and getting matches thing. I win it because my memory is fucking awesome.
|This is why you don't want to end up on my list.|
The next level is...underwater, with Barbie as a mermaid. You lost me Barbie Game Girl. You had me in the palm of your hand with that Mall level.
In this level you're fighting those sea monkey/goblin things and sharks. You make your way across the sea floor, and then through a sunken ship. Half way through the level they mix it up with a little box puzzles.
|I don't know what that thing is or why I want it, but I do.|
|Oh yeah, the circle with B on it is miiiine.|
Predictably this seems to be pointless, with the only option to throw it. I beat the level and close my eyes while Abomination Barbie™ stares at me. Then it's another memory game! I ace this one too of course.
The next level is.....shit I don't know.
I guess it's supposed to be a 50's diner. The enemies are sugar cubes and winged shakes that throw french fries. But that still doesn't explain this asshole:
|I gave up trying to guess.|
There's also another transformation in this stage. She transforms into Let's Get Physical Barbie™. And this one is equally pointless.
So another level, another look at Endless One Barbie™, another easy memory game, and it's on to the next stage. This next one is...
|A crab king? Who let this asshole rule the sea?|
So you have to throw marbles at that lock to save King and Queen Crab, and that jellyfish is trying to kill you so you have to keep moving. This takes me an embarrassingly long time but I overcome this tremendous obstacle. The Royal family gives me a necklace for my trouble.
|You can't fill that hole in your heart with jewelry Barbie.|
The next level is inside a toy chest of course. Unless it isn't, but I'm pretty sure it is.
|See, it was all the toys that gave it away.|
That platform you see moves forward very slowly, and you have to...just walk slowly. There isn't really any obstacles. After avoiding toy helicopters and toy balls for a minute or so I come to this:
Another Zombie Barbie™ but no memory game. I didn't realize until now that I really loved those things.
The next level is "music". That's the best way to describe it. These stages are getting way abstract.
|Next level: Color|
For the longest time, I had no idea what to do here. There's three coins on the stage, but you can't interact with them. You can't pick them up and throwing marbles at them does nothing. Eventually I jumped on one and it started dancing. So I learned you have to keep jumping on every one until it's completely upright and spinning.
This game is stupid.
The next level is a dressing room, and it's the obligatory maze stage. You walk in one door and there's three more, all the while avoiding lipstick and brushes and shit.
|I actually want her to get lost.|
After beating this level, Barbie gets a new dress.
So now Barbie is ready for her hot date!
So, two mutant monsters twirl around together and fade into the blackness from which they spawned. Is there any other way this magical night could end?