So. Tetris. About as timeless a game as you are probable to find. The shapes fall. The lines clear.
Perfection in simplicity.
But if there’s one game that needs to shake things up once in a while to maintain my interest, it’s Tetris (or Call of Duty. Let me know if that ever happens).
This game attempts to do that. Almost to a fault.
So what makes this Tetris so magical? How ‘bout this:
Mind you, this was the days before this logo screen would be post release DLC.
A Capcom developed Tetris game!
What’s that you say? That’s unexpected, but not quite magical? Well, what about THIS!
A Capcom developed Disney Tetris game. Yes, this is a thing that exists! When it comes to Disney games, there’s no one you can trust more than Capcom (and if you didn’t know that already, check out every Disney game Capcom ever made).
Honestly, the last thing I expected.
So, first things first. The game asks me to put in my name. I’m on this screen for far too long. All the names I have in mind are either too short, or too long. Finally I settle this problem like I do every problem, with randomness.
“Mr. KEZNQ was my father. Call me HTVXR.”
On the main menu, you’re given the option of 1P, 2P, QUEST, and DATA. I came here for magic, dammit, I’m going on a quest. Next you’re asked to choose a character.
As always, anyone who doesn’t choose Donald is an asshole.
Just look at this pimp.
And then you pick a difficulty. I’m fucking awesome at Tetris, so I put that shit on EXPERT.
And now it’s time for the story to begin. Here’s the setup.
So that makes no goddamn sense. What the hell is a “Tetris Carnival”? It’s apparently a big day in the Magic Kingdom. Everyone has just “made” a Tetris challenge.
Ok, so what that means is this. In this game you gotta collect six numbered coins before everyone else. Everyone needs different coins, and everybody starts with one for some dumb reason. You get coins by knocking on people, who in response give you their Tetris challenge they’ve put so much work into.
The gameplay in the overworld is reminiscent of the Zelda games, with my zombie Donald walking around town from an overhead view.
Even his house has a pimp-ass hat.
As far as controls in this part of the game, the D-Pad moves, and the A button knocks on things. So let’s go knock on stuff!
Ahhhh, I see a garbage can in the distance. What would happen if I knocked on it?
Wow for true garbage can!?
That’s a pretty awesome prize. Can you imagine the low level legislation I could not have enough time to pass? I must hurry and get those coins!
Next I find a house. LET’S KNOCK ON IT!
It’s Clarabelle Cow’s house. She left a note that says I should go find her in town so I can try her Tetris challenge.
Fuck you Clarabelle. This isn’t Magical Hide and Seek.
Next I see a manhole cover. I decide not to knock on it.
You worthless son of a bitch. That’s why you live in a sewer.
Next I see a phone! What does knocking on it do?
Who cares. This is a pretty boring quest so far. I feel like I’m playing Sim Knocking. Where the hell is everybody!? I run into Goofy’s house next, and with no other options, I knock on it.
“Find me in town. I’ve got Coin #4” – What Goofy’s note says, minus all his stupid jabbering.
Coin 4, eh?
Screw you Goofy! I’m going to avoid you like the plague now.
Next I knock on another phone, and he tells me to knock on things to learn things. OF COURSE IF I’M READING THAT I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW IT.
After that, FINALLY another living soul. I find Clarabelle. I knock on her and she asks me if I want to play her Tetris Challenge.
Oh GOD YES.
Her challenge is to clear 16 lines in 1 minute. So I get to work on my usual strategy and---ahhh what the hell!? I can’t put a piece on old. There’s no ghost piece to show where my piece will go.
What kind of archaic ancient Egypt Tetris is this!?
So I do my usual thing, trying to get a Tetris. Yeah, let’s see how well that worked out for me.
Note the many zeroes.
So it’s not a calm and calculated placing of blocks, it’s a mad scramble to just take any fucking line you can find. Armed with this knowledge, I somehow manage to fail even worse, even with 3 lines cleared.
Stop dancing Donald, do you understand the situation we’re in? Where the hell is this square supposed to go!? We’re going to lose. We’re not getting the coin. We’ll never be Mayor!!
I try again, and fail again. This time however, I clear 6 lines. 16 though? That’s fucking bananas! Is this it for Magical Tetris Challenge?
HOW MUCH DID THE COVER ART LIE?
No, no no. Fuck that. I’m getting that bitch’s coin. I restart the game on Normal difficulty and race my ass over to Clarabelle.
Less talking, more Tetris! Now I only have to clear eight lines. That’s still more than I was able to get! I beat it though.
With literally one second to spare.
So now I got my first (second) coin. I’m practically Mayor already! On the next screen Goofy doesn’t even give me a chance to knock on him. He charges at me and makes me do his challenge.
His challenge is called “Updown Tetris”. For some reason, that means every once in a while “garbage” blocks pop up from the bottom. Other than that it’s just regular Tetris, so I ace it because, like I said, I’m awesome at Tetris.
How long did it take you to make this one Goofy? Hahahahahahahaha
So Goofy gives me his coin and—
Goofy you son of a bitch! Why did you make me do your stupid challenge if I don’t need your damn coin?!!!! With that waste of time behind me I continue on my way. I find another phone, but this one actually gives me the first helpful advice of the day.
So that’s my mission now. Fuck all that other stuff, I’m looking for City Hall. I’m not going to be roped into another Goofy fiasco. Next door there’s a building that looks pretty City Hall-ish. But it turns out to be the Coin Rally Headquarters or some shit. On the plus side, this:
Kiss my ass everyone! Especially Pete. He sucks so bad that even though he’s second place out of five, he’s last.
I walk around for quite a while, never finding the City Hall. Then I forget what I just said a few seconds ago and challenge another phone. His challenge is to clear six lines and it’s easy as shit. Unfortunately…
First time, shame on that jerkass Goofy. Second time, shame on me.
Unfortunately I don’t learn my lesson. The next hour is filled with more disappointments.
It’s not all bad though, during one of these massive wastes of time I find this block.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this” I thought to myself. But behold its POWER.
If you can’t tell what’s happening, this little beauty can shoot out other blocks. This has massive line clearing potential. This is a game changer! Does Pazhitnov know about this!?
I keep looking for City Hall, but it’s nowhere. This town is massive. I’m walking around so long that I get a progress report, and it’s not looking as good.
I gotta get me some more coins! Luckily I run into Daisy, who’s looking hot as all hell. And better yet, she TELLS ME WHAT COIN SHE HAS BEFORE I PLAY HER DUMB CHALLENGE. And it happens to be one I need.
Is that what we’re calling it today?
So now with three coins, I return to the Journey to City Hall.
I never find it.
HOW MUCH DID THE COVER ART LIE?
"Only for Gameboy Color" huh?
EXPLAIN YOURSELF DISNEY!
This game is surprisingly fun. Though every copy should come with a map. Without it you will spend a lot of time playing challenges that give you no reward other than “fun” or some stupid shit.