Is it typing? Yes. It appears as though I have mastered this technologic device. Hello. My name is Jamirus! I am a follower of "Beware the Robot Squad". I am delighted to find another human that was as knee shakingly terrified of robots as myself.
Technology hates me, and I am terrified of it. Nearly everything I touch doesn't work or explodes. Much like Harry Dresden, but without all of the magic... and cool stuff.
I decide to take my battle with technology to the internet! It is then, at this point, the enjoyment ends, and the horrors begin. Please, join me on the most terrifying chat of any human's life.
Andrew: Thanks for contacting us today!
Andrew: How can I help you this evening?
*He seems to be a pretty well guy... Andrew? I know an Andrew!*
Customer: hey, is this andrew?
Andrew: Yes, it is.
*Wow, it's really him! Amazing! Let's see if he remembers me.*
Customer: Dude, how have you been! I haven't seen you since trisha's party! You were so wasted! actually... you prolly don't even remember, huh
Andrew: I think you have me confused with someone else. Do you have any GM related questions I can help you with today?
*That's crazy. He said he was Andrew... yet... oh god.. maybe he's...*
Customer: That's odd. I thought you said you were Andrew! Are you a ROBOT? I do have a GM question, but not if it's a ROBOT talking to me.
Andrew: I am 100% human!
Andrew: I am Andrew, to answer your question, just not the Andrew you are looking for!
Andrew: No robots here!
*At this point a red flag is raised. He's clearly a robot. Only a robot would provide a lame Star Wars joke! It's time to initiate the test.*
Customer: That's exactly what a ROBOT WOULD say!! I'll provide a test.
You wake up in a room. It's dark, but you see the silhouette of another individual. As you glance in their general direction you are greeted with the hideous cackle of Tina Yothers. What do you do? Also, how much HP does the Acadia 2.4L engine have?
*I felt an aura of smugness as I provided the scenario. Only a robot wouldn't know the correct answer, which is, of course, to close your eyes and pray, as you are already dead.*
Andrew: I see what you are trying to do and I assure you, I am not a robot.
*A moment after I read this, I broke out into a cold sweat. This isn't just a robot... it's....it's!*
Customer: Oh god... A mind reading ROBOT.
*My blood runs cold as this realization truly sets in. He knows what I'm going to say before the neurons in my brain even fire! Sheer panic sets in.*
Customer: We're doomed! They've already taken over General Motors!
*At this point I accidentally urinate a little, as I have no control over my bladder.*
Andrew: The 2012 Acadia has 288 HP at 6,300 RPM's.
*His quick robotic processor has finally blipped and blooped, and answered a question I asked a long time ago. I believe I have confused the mech. I decide to try and woo it, and get it to trust me.*
Customer: I do have to admit, ROBOT. That's quite impressive. What's it's MPG?
*At this time I regain my composure. I won't let this robot get the better of me!*
Andrew: The Acadia has an estimated MPG of 17/city and 24/hwy.
Andrew: Would you like some more information on the Acadia today?
*I've gotten him to trust me. He's about to reveal his weak point. A little more buttering up, and I should be able to destroy this foe.*
Customer: You know Robot. You failed your first test, but I must admit. You're growing on me. I am going to provide another typical Human scenario, and you will answer to the best of your Robotic abilities.
*I am going to let you in on the Jamirus secret. To confuse a robot, you must first ask it a technical question, followed directly by an emotional question. This will cause the robot to work in overtime, and hopefully it will release all of it's dark and juicy secrets.*
Customer: Yes, how fast does the Camaro ZL1 go?
Customer: Your pupils shrink as a large amount of sunlight escapes from the window's shades. You're in your cubical. "Almost time to go", you say, as you take a drink of water. To your left, Cynthia asks you, "Andrew, you look hungry. Would you like me to make you an Omelet?" What is the correct response in this situation?
*After the question has been asked, I can only assume that the robot sparked and exploded. I have won my first victory! One down... an army to go!*